Below are the 15 most recent journal entries recorded in hes_jesus' LiveJournal:

Friday, March 31st, 2006
4:19 pm	April Fools Resolution I have a terrible tendancy to let my bathroom get way out of hand. I hadn't cleaned it really since I moved in to this place. Now since I moved in on August 1, that means its been a really long time. I had to clean it with bleach for a couple of hours to the point where the bleach was really starting to burn my eyes. The floor was disgusting, the sink was yellow and dusty and wet, the toliet was just a lil poop stained, and worst of all the tub had layer upon layer of dead Radunzel skin probably. So I am making a April fools resolution. When I see that the bathroom starts getting a little icky, I am going to clean it like a normal human being. A funny thing happened that since I have cleaned it I swear to God that the room is way brighter. Now, probably this is because the light is now reflecting off of the white instead of the yellow. However, I will look at it as if God is shining down Jesus light on me. Amen (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 18th, 2006
10:17 pm	Sorry to use profanity Who the fuck makes the decison to give Larry the cable guy a movie. Now I've seen some shitty ideas before but giving the cable guy his own movie where he is pretty much playing himself as a health inspector sounds like the biggest piece of shit idea that I have ever heard of in my life. I would like to go to this movie opening night just to stand up in the front row and boo. Fuck whatever company is trying to make money by getting white trash assholes to go and see this heaping pile of shit. And lastly fuck you larry. Shame on you!!! Next are we going to have tator salad jacking off on a movie screen for 2 hours. God willing I hope so. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 1st, 2006
10:13 pm	Hold Me Closer I had really strange but awesome dream the other night. For some reason I was Tony Danza on Who's the Boss. I was playing basketball with the boy from the boss, I believe his name was Jonathon. Anyways for some reason it was a real game or something because me and the J- train were tearing it up. He wasn't big enough to make a basket so he kept passing me the ball, and I was scoring on the kids we were playing like Kuch in the old mans game. Well one of the kids dads on the other team didn't like that I kept scoring the ball on his little kid which if you think about it was a pretty crappy thing for the Danz to be doing. I mean I was like a 35 year old housekeeper tearing apart 7 year olds. Anyway the dad said something to me and I walked over to him and he said "hey, why don't you just let the kids play" and I told him to mind his own business. Then he said, "I'm not gonna let you do this." So I asked him what he was going to do about it, after all I was Tony freaking Danza. So he pulled out a knife in each hand. At least what I thought were knives, in actuality they were guns with ice pick like knives on the end. He said I'm a gonna kill you. But then for some reason he looked down and I threw the basketball at his head, and then punched him in the face. Then as I dove on him one of the ice picks went clear thru my hand. so I punched him again with my non picked hand. Then the gun went off and I woke up. And scene.... (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, February 27th, 2006
11:16 pm	My crabs sting more than usual... Well.... On Saturday my lovely girlfriend and I were in Des Moines around 4:30 in the evening. We decided to eat out at what I thought would be an unbusy time to eat. Evidently at Joe's Crab Shack it was a very busy place. Anyways, I had never heard a bad word about this place and I like seafood so it was a match made in heaven. Plus I thought at least I could get a cheeseball t-shirt that said something like I got crab at Joe's crab shack. Or maybe a picture of Shaq dressed up like a crab, but I digress. I felt like a baller on this occasion so I ordered the steak and lobster for 18.99. I like steak, I like lobster, I like having vagina breath, so I thought 2 out of 3 weren't bad. I always order my steaks medium well done but when my steak came it was bright red and I could barely cut thru it. So as I waited for the waitress to come back I ate my lobster, my potato, my bread, half of Nicoles' shrimp. So like 10 minutes later she came back to check on us and I informed her that my steak was not cooked right and I didn't really want another steak because we were ready to go. So then another 10 minutes went by and she brought back a box for the rest of Nicoles meal. Then she asked me if I wanted a box for my steak because I could go home and cook it if I wanted. I said no and the she brought me my bill for 18.99 with no discount. She didn't have a manager come and talk to me or anything. So I thought maybe I should ask for a manager or something but I just tipped her 1 dollar for a 40 dollar bill. And I wrote it on the reciept so she had to see that shitty ass tip in writing. I found it hillarious. I really f'd that whore. I would like to hear stories about you all f'ing waiters and waitresses. Seriously, Do you wanna take this with and finish cooking it. What is this? Papa Murphys? This aint take and bake bitch. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, February 20th, 2006
10:43 pm	Did he just say........ Now I've done alot of dumb things in my life, but this one might take the cake. First i must preface this story with at lowes we have a series of codes for employees. A code 3 is when there are more than 3 people in line at register. A code 50 is when a customer needs help loading something into their car. An there are a few other which I won't bore you all with right now. Anyway that leads me to my story. On my lunch break I run over to Arby's for a delightful roast beef sandwhich. Now as many of you know after I eat I have a customary poop that I take. Well, when I got back to work it hit me instantly. So I hustled to the restroom and that is where all insanity broke loose. At Lowe's there are five stalls. I look into stall #1 and I find 4 or 5 droplets of pee sitting nicely on the tolit seat. I look into #2 and just the edges of the toliet are a bit browned. Not sure how that happens but allthough it looks dry I definitely do not want to sit down on that pot. So onward to #3.... This was by far the grossest of all because someone serioously had a case of mudd butt, and must of been hovering because they spray farted everywhere. And let me tell you it was dripping. So obviously on to #4... The story continues with a puzzling discovery that this door is locked but there is no one occupying the throne. How do I know this you may ask??? Because I checked for feet and then I did the crack check. I assume that this must of meant out of order or something. So here we go I was up against a wall. If not this one then I was going to have to go for good ole brown edge. So as I made that turn into the final stall I could allready see the fattest turd ever floating but there was no damage to the seat. And a flush and she was gone. So I sat down and let rip forgetting one cardinal rule in public pooping, the paper check. SHIT.... No papes.... Now I could of done the waddle into another and i might of got away with it, but it was too risky you see. No I really had to think... I was only wearing one shirt so I couldn't do Kuch's undershirt trash can drop. No I had to come up with something. I then realized that I had my department telephone in my pocket so I could call my buddy in another department to save the day. but he didn't answer. So I called a few more people and either they were all busy with customers or didn't answer their phones. So by this time I had been sitting there like 10 minutes post poop, and it had to be starting to dry. So I figured that if I paged for an availible code 50 to call my phone than a guy would probably call me back because a man would usually help some one load product into there car. Brilliant plan right... there was nothing that could go wrong.... and then it did.... " I need any available code poop to please call" then I hung up. Wait a second I didn't just say what I think I said did I. Then all of the sudden my phone rings. Hey, did you just call for a code poop. Wow, luckily I really have no shame, but even my face was red for a bit. So I explained and my co worker came in and gave me some paper. This is really the end of the story except for one more thing. When I finished the business my coworker started talking to me from the pot which at first didn't strike me as weird, but later I realized that he must of never noticed the brown edge. This guy is going to get home and realized that he has just been brown edged. Anyways hopefully this will lighten everyones day (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 14th, 2006
1:55 am	Do contracters appreciate the sexy? Its been awhile my fellows and felita. First of all when someone starts a new live journal I think I need to be instantly notified. I have been excluded from the world of Dean for far too long. Who would of thought that Willie Dean would have a live journal. Anyways... I was shopping today and I bought 3 nice shirts. I'm talking Blavat on the road nice. Seriously some premo stuff. But I've come to the conclusion that all they will do is sit in my closet to be thrown on maybe for a boozing session. I like dressing nice and looking fly, but I don't have the job to accompany the attire. I spose that I could wear a pair of nice pants to my favorite home improvement warehouse, but I would instantly be covered in sawdust. So long story short I need occasions. Some of you fags and fagitas (pronounced either fag- eatas or fa-jite-as but definitely not like fajita) need to start getting married or inviting me to public speak. I think I would be great to talk to some of JR's students about doors and windows, or Whitesox baseball, or even how to perform the worlds best rusty trombone. Whatever just so lung as I'm looking fly. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, January 14th, 2006
12:55 am	Hooray man candles!! I have a question for the gallery... Is it gay to sit alone in my bedroom on a Friday night light sexy candles and watch TLC? Well either way, I found myself doing exactly that this evening. I've figured out that when you have a girlfriend for an extended period of time you find yourself watching things you wouldn't of probably watched on your own. Its really kind of crazy that it becomes acceptable to lay around and watch HGTV, Desperate Housewives, movies like the Notebook, or a slew of other ultra mascaline shows and movies that make my balls shrivle into my insides. But, number one is it in fact ok to watch these things alone when I'm not with my girlfriend. Number two is it ok for 2 heterosexual men to watch HGTV and Queer Eye alone in their apartment like me and Jordan used to do on a regualr basis. I believe that it was ok for me and Jordan because we were both eating whole pizzas on a regular basis. And I believe that the rule is that for every fem thing you do you must eat a whole pizza. I would also appreciate some clarrification on that. Other things I do that are also open for discussion.... 1. Listen to Stevie Wonder love songs. 2. Tear up everytime I watch the final episode of Fresh Prince. 3. Enjoy interior design. 4. Enjoy interior design magazines. 5. Like wearing purple shirts. (I own 3) However I don't own any pink which has become awfully trendy. (Hawker,please note) Sincerely, Manny Glamour PS for something manly please check oout pics of Joanna Krupa Current Mood: contemplative (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 10th, 2005
9:34 pm	Toliet broken??? No problem!!!! I have reached a new point in laziness. I know what you are all thinking. Radunzel... lazy... your out of your fucking mind. The rod that attaches to the flapper on my toliet flusher broke like a week and a half ago. I have not called the maintenence at our apartment complex to come fix it. Every single time I drop Theo and Vannesa Huxtable off at the pool, I have to stick my hand in the ice cold water in my toliet tank. Usually, I let about 3 pees festure in there before I flush those. Otherwise I would have to wash my hands after every pee and who wants to do that. But you wouldn't think that I would subject myself to the frostbite of the toliet tank if I didn't have to. I guess that the toliet tank frostbite is really the only thing that keeps me wanting to live. I will never forget these words. With great power comes great responsibility... This is my gift, my curse. Who am I??? I am Spiderman. Music of the day Nickelback- Hero (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 30th, 2005
8:56 pm	I'm Hung Like A Pringles Can!!!!! I really came to the realization yesterday that no one should have to work on their birthday. When did I realize this you may ask??? It was when I was lifting storm doors up in the air, so that some old bastard that looked like an old Dick Belding could put them in the back of his dump truck. Thats right... a dump truck. Seriously, who drives around a dump truck... He stood in the back of his dump truck which was like 8 feet in the air while I lifted these storm doors above my head in the monsoon wind and rain. On a seperate but related note... I now hate Dick Belding... I never really liked him that much to start with... Fucking Big Bopper... Why couldn't that guy just give it up. He was on Saved by the Bell from Junior High years all the way thru the new classes. I'm pretty sure he is still making "Bell" episodes in his basement with Screech. Anyways. I gotta go destroy my liver. Sincerely, Bob Golic Song of the day- Andrew W.K- Party Hard (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, November 4th, 2005
1:51 am	Weberlution I don't know if any one else has noticed this but Weber is a funny guy. I'm not quite sure when in his life that this happened, but somewhere along the line it did. Weber in high school= not a funny guy. Weber 2 years ago= slightly funnier but still not a funny guy. Now he is a funny guy. Now I attribute this to myself being a renown funny guy and slowly I have been "rubbing off" on Ryan, or atleast "rubbing off" on his penis. Now I don't mean that in a gay way. Ummmmm.... Oh God. If anyone actually know when the Weberlution happened then let me know. Peace out Jesus Song of the day Tom Petty- You don't know how it feels Current Mood: amused (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 1st, 2005
9:35 pm	Fresh Prince of Bel Air I dont know if any one knows this but Fresh Price has got to be the funniest show of all time. On a related note the Whitesox won the world series and it probably was in the top 10 moments of my life. It was better than the time I fucked Buster Poindexter. And for those of you who don't know who Buster Poindexter is look it up. Geoff Blum is the new Scott Brosius only with sexier boxing gloves, What... Jesus out Song of the day- Monkees- Daydream Believer (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, September 30th, 2005
12:10 am	DOG The Bounty Hunter Ok now its time for a re entry, I have recently,and by recently become an enormous fan of the show DOG the bounty hunter. It comes on AE some time on Tuesday nights. I'm not sure when it originally aires but I know I catch the insomniac music theater episode at midnight. I'm not sure if this is a show that other people watch but if not you need to be watching it. It is about an unbelievably mullet-ed family that has a bail bonds business. Its a family of bounty hunters... I'm sure you can imagine the good times will roll. Jesus Song of the Day DOG the bounty hunter theme- Ozzy Osbourne? I think Current Mood: bouncy (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 3rd, 2005
1:08 am	cut off for some reason some how the last entry was cut off... it was all funny and shit and I don't think that I can recreate the end of my entry. Usually I can only recreate entry in my end. Or something like that. But where I left off. 3.09<2.00< blowjobs for all. But I can't remember the rest of the brilliance that is Jesus. So i guess I will go now. Jesus Song of the day Elvis Costello-Allison Inspired by Brandon Boyd (2 Comments |Comment on this)
12:04 am	Tonsillitis is like having sex with your brother.....Wonderful !!! Dear Jerome, This has been an interesting week because of my swollen tonsils. I went to the doctor on Monday, and she was as asian as I like for my doctors to be. And by that I mean quite asian. Why do I completely trust the asians whom I can't understand, but I don't trust any other race quite as much except for the dominant race of course.... white power... Cunnilingus Rice.... White Power.... maybe we should send her back to Mexico and let the Mexicans eat her... white power... go back to your country.... Anyways, back on point. $3.09 for a gallon of gas!!! Are you kidding me. It cost me 47.00 to fill up my Lady Killer (Impala) today and I'm still cleaning shit out of my pants... with a shovel... If anyone could get these gas prices to go down, I swear to god I would go down on some penis to get it to go back to 2.00 a gallon... 3.09<2.00<Blowjobs for all. Well its time for me to gargle salt water again so congrats to the active Wieblers players who got the job done why the lady killer (Fred) was on the DL. Love, Fred Song of the day- Elvis Costello- Allison )Inspired by brandon boyd) Current Mood: listless (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 25th, 2005
9:00 pm	Trying to be like Hawker. Reggie, I figured I would try to be like Hawker and keep a journal of all that is me, so here goes. Today I woke up about noon took a shower and I was off to start another fun filled day. I met my uncle Dave at Applebees for lunch and ate the shrimp. Then I had to go to a meeting at work from 2 to 3 where I sat and argued for about a half hour about god knows what. Then I got a random erection. Then I was off to the homestead to finally start putting away some of my shit that has been sitting in my apartment for a good month. Then I went and looked at some fish that my roomate Adam Blank wanted to buy. Allthough he didn't buy one, we did see that there was a fish called a water cow. If anyone is looking for a fish to double as a turd, this one shall be your winner. Anyways thats all you get for today. I gotta keep you moist. Love Always, Jesus Song of the day Jack Johnson- Bannana Pancakes Current Mood: morose (1 Comment |Comment on this)